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Eradication (Ellie)

Favorite Quote: “Your existence means nothing to me… Oh, you brought tacos!”

Bio: There are no early records of Eradication and her origins are unknown. Her first recorded sighting was documented in the year 1527 during signing of the Treaty of Westminster, forging an alliance between King Henry VIII of England, King Frances I of France and King Charles V of Spain, ending the War on the League of Cognac. After review the treaty, Eradication has been quoted as saying, “Meh… It wasn’t great.” From there, reports of her movements become spotty, but some indicate her presence at the signing of the First Treaty of Paris in 1763, signaling the end of the Seven Years’ War. Once again, all reports indicate she was totally underwhelmed by the plotline and character development in the document. Over the next 250 years, accounts of more scathing literary reviews begin to flood in, including the end to the Napoleonic Wars in 1815 and the Treaty of Hellgate in 1855. The first photographic evidence of her existence was at the Anglo-Japanese Alliance in 1902 where a blurry image of her was captured by a random bystander attending the event. The picture shows a grainy image of Eradication in the middle of eating what appears to be a soft-shell taco while flaunting a graphic hand gesture, and is entitled No Fucks Given… The small Polaroid photo continues to be the Louvre’s most popular attraction to date, with lines stretching nearly a mile from the exhibit. More current sighting of Eradication have recently been reported in North America, between the Denver and Las Vegas areas, but they are mostly unsubstantiated due to lack of clear, photographic evidence. Some theologians suggest Eradication may have ties to organized crime and a psychic bound with other ethereal beings and most mollusks. Still others have intricate, and often times random theories about her responsibility for the calling of The Convergence of Power, the Kennedy assassination, and the future stock market crash of 2029.

Pandemic (Petra)

Favorite Quote: “Plead, cry, run. It changes nothing! ~feeling happy~”

Bio: Reports show Pandemic may have been born as early as the Fall of 1867, or as late as the Summer of 2004. Evidence of the exact location of her birth is also unavailable, but rumors vary from somewhere between high in the Andes Mountain range, and downtown Burbank, California. Although details of actual encounters are sketchy at best, a few facts remain consistent in almost all accounts.  Pandemic demonstrates a cheerful ambivalence towards mankind, having happily caused unintended carnage and destruction, possibly over the last 150 years. Also, nearly every encounter with mankind appears to be followed by the Pandemic saying, “Oops! Sorry! Hey, a piece of candy!” in some fashion or another. More direct suffering has been attributed to Pandemic but specific details of these encounters are limited, due to a lack of survivors. It has been suggested she may be the cause of the Legionaries outbreak in Ottawa in the late Summer of 2002, but the allegations were never proven. Reports show a slow and steady migration toward central North America and the surrounding population in a six-state area has been placed on high alert until the threat has passed.

Desolation (Deenie)

Favorite Quote: “Destroying the universe, one illiterate fucker at a time.”

Bio: The origins of Desolation seem highly suspect, as they refer to her ‘creation’ in the secret, underground laboratory of a bookstore located in Peru, rather than any type of natural birth. The legends go on to suggest, if the correct figures can be identified in the Nazca lines, theorized to have been carved into the arid soil between 900 BC and 600 AD, they will point to the exact location of the event. Reports in the recent past have suggested her location as far north as Orkney in the British Islands off the coast of Scotland, and as far south as the Cape of Good Hope at the southernmost tip of South America. Her current location cannot be substantiated but if urban myths can be believed, she may be headed for the Convergence of Power in the central mid-west, or a Whitesnake cover-band concert near Quebec. Fact or fiction, one thing is true… Desolation has a homicidal distain for the idiocies for the illiterate, the undisciplined and the intolerant. Over the last 100 years, through the miracle of radioactive mutation, Desolation has grown in power and popularity among doomsday cults and pharmacists alike. In a small suburb outside of Toronto, a shine has mysteriously appeared near the adjacent Burger King in her honor. It’s said the monolith is comprised of second-hand paperback books, discarded religious artifacts and nacho cheese.

Keening (Kristie)

Favorite Quote: “You’ll scream my name as your world collapses… Pussy!”

Bio: Keening was born in a Russian labor camp located in Yertsevo near the Arctic Circle in 1827. Little is known about her parents, other than they may have been sent to the camp for crimes related to their sheepherding background, however many details of Keening’s early life are well-documents. At the age of 7, Keening had already set herself apart for the other residents of the gulag with her strong work ethic, prowess with a jackhammer and an emotional disconnect with the other inhabitants. Her ambivalence to her fellow inmates is recorded in Pillow Burning Uprising of 1834 and has been the subject a legal lore and one made-for-Lifetime movie. Under the shadow of speculation regarding her involvement in the disappearances of the 6 most prominent members of the Russian Royal Family in 1844, Keening migrated south for a warmer climate. After a brief stay in outer-Mongolia, teaching sign language to blind children, history implies Keening discovered her debilitating, physical loathing for any sentient creature under 4 foot 8. Traveling further south, she spent several years in Greece before an incident, reportedly involving several of the village’s less-endowed males, forced her to depart to The New World in 1889. Witnesses from the docks where her ship set sail reported a mass-exodus of rodents from the vessel as she screamed at the onlookers, “This place fucking sucks!” Once arriving in the United States, Keening melted into the population and her reported sightings have become less frequent. Recent rumors suggest she has developed an affinity for wearing peen earrings and consuming deep-fried foods and drinking grain alcohol.

Hellbound (Hillary)

Favorite Quote: “I’ll swallow your fucking soul and look FABULOUS while I dine!”

Bio: Hellbound’s exploits over the last 75 years are well-versed but her earlier years are a matter of infinite speculation. The most plausible accounting supports the theory she was the product of an incestuous relationship between Romanian gypsy fourth-cousins. Upon the realization of their blood ties, the young lovers left their newborn Hellbound at the local Baptist nunnery, to be raised in a ridiculously harsh religious environment. Displaying an undesirable flare for imaginative evisceration and good fashion sense to the religious right, she stripped off her hand-me-down rags, adjusted her push-up bra, hiked up her G-string and told the nuns, “This dump has all the nurturing charm of a Turkish prison and you bitches are fugly!” After hearing her declaration of independence, the nuns handed Hellbound her platform shoes and agreed she should strike out on her own. Hellbound roamed along the west coast of America, devastating ignorant lives with healthy doses of cutting sarcasm and stripper-glitter. In recent years, Hellbound has been sighted across numerous truck-stops along the Nevada-New Mexico border, perfecting her skills with such weapons as the battle-axe, bo staff and nearly non-existent gag reflex.



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